An Irrational Fear of Mine

This is the last day I have of the 7 in 7 challenge and I'm running low on things to write about. But last night I was thinking about what people don't really know about me and I finally thought of something: my irrational fear of haircuts. 

Okay here it goes, it's been almost FOUR years since my last haircut. That's longer than I have known my husband for. I know that's weird, and my hair is unhealthy. But it's very unlikely you'll find me at the hair salon anytime soon. I've used several excuses as to why I won't cut my hair, with the most dominant one being that it's very expensive to get a good haircut. I realized that was just an excuse when my sweet sister offered me a good haircut. 
Every time I've gotten my haircut since I was young I walked out with hair at chin length and tears in my eyes. The first one I can remember being when I was around nine. I asked the hair dresser to make me look like Cinderella (I was nine give me a break) but she must have thought I said Snow white because she cut all of my hair off. 

This became a pattern in my life with the most recent occurrence also being my last haircut. I never intended to have my hair that short but after it was done I was glad for about a day because it angered the boyfriend I had at the time whom I happened to be mad at. Someone should have told 15 year old me that I was insane. I guess I REALLY hated the haircut because when I went looking for pictures my hair was either in a tiny ponytail or I had extensions in. I did find a couple pictures though, here's one. 

Ever since then I have not trusted hair dressers. My husband suggested some time ago that I get a mommy haircut before the birth of Ezra and I just about lost it. After he mentioned it I began having nightmares about it and I woke up almost in tears. As I showed my husband pictures of my short hair he said "to be honest I like your hair much better short." Short hair? Again?! Does he know how many years I waited for my hair to grow back?

I don't know why the thought of having short hair freaks me out so much. I wonder if I just don't like change when it comes to my appearance. I guess I like being used to what I see in the mirror. Hopefully my child won't get his first haircut before mama gets one. Maybe one day I'll get the courage to get a haircut, for the sake of my husband. What's the longest you've ever gone without a haircut?

One of the Criminals

I'm pretty sure this is cheating as far as the 7 for 7 challenge is involved, but I'm reposting a blog post I had on my old blog because it's the same thing I was wanting to write today. Also I'm really tired and was going to write nothing so I figured this was better.

This was originally written December 16, 2011,
before Ryan and I were even married.

One of the Criminals

You, you who I pray I am completely found in,
you have paid the price to set me free
For all eternity you had been in paradise, in perfect communion
you did not know the pain of sin, the hurt of being alone
but two thousand years ago you stepped into my pain
you left everything I long for in exchange for everything I long to leave
You wrapped yourself in my foolish flesh, and felt the pain of man
but you showed us how we are to live, and to love, and you did no wrong
Still you received the ultimate punishment as you made a way for me
you were beaten and bruised and your father left you
so He could be with me and your poured out blood could cover me
Oh how I long to hang next to you on that cross,
with my last breath proclaiming my faith for you, sweet Jesus
For my soul longs to hear you say:
“Truly, I say to you, today you will be with me in Paradise.”


Today I am tired, exhausted, drained
And longing to feel unconstrained
There's a consuming hunger inside me
And I'm begging God for the discomfort to flee

He responds by sending gentle motion
And filling me with overwhelming emotion
The work is hard but the reward is so sweet
He reminds me with a vision of two little feet

For this is just the start of what I'm called to be
Yet the provision promised ahead is hard to see
But He sees me labor and be heavy laden
And He grants me sweet rest, rest found only in Him

The Person That Judges Me Most

Though I've had to deal with several physical struggles due to my pregnancy, they have been but miniscule compared to the emotion struggles I have encountered while carrying our child. This blog post is belated, mostly because it's a hard truth for me to face and share and I haven't found the words to properly describe what I've felt. I've shared my struggle about feeling judged because of my age and being pregnant before, but what I didn't mention is that the person who judges me most is myself. 

Before I got pregnant I knew that I would have emotional problems with the weight gain that came with pregnancy. I've always had a really unhealthy fear of gaining weight. I had prayed up to my pregnancy that this was not something that I would struggle with in my pregnancy. At first, I didn't struggle. It wasn't until about 6 months that I started really looking like I was pregnant anyways and the excitement of being pregnant was enough to make me forget about the weight that I had been gaining. But the third trimester was different. 

The third trimester is when everything really started changing for me. For the first time I couldn't fit into normal jeans and I had to purchase my first pair of maternity pants. When I went to the dressing room and tried on pants a size bigger than I usually wear, expecting them to be too big, and realized they were instead way too small, I freaked out. Knowing that I had to buy something, I sent my husband to find a bigger size. He came back with the next size up they had, a size four times what I'm used to wearing. He convinced me to go ahead and try them on after I had thrown a mini fit. What happened next will probably upset me until the day I no longer struggle with this; they fit. I could have cried. I pretended it didn't really upset me that much and bought them anyways, but inside I felt like I had failed. My whole life I have set a standard for myself, and that day I failed.

I get a lot of compliments on the way that I look while pregnant, but they seem to go in one ear and out the other. If they only saw what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I do not see myself, I do not see my body.  I see someone I don't want to look like. And surely, if I don't like the way that I look, then my husband must not like the way that I look, right? These thoughts plagued me all day long as I sat at home being very careful about what I ate. The thoughts I presumed my husband had about me greatly influenced the way I acted towards him. I was very cautious around him, and one of the greatest biblical aspects of marriage was missing from our marriage; I no longer felt naked and unashamed. 

This weight is temporary, I know. And I'm aware everything I have said seems far too over dramatic. But I challenge you to look past that and to try to really understand my struggles. I am not alone when it comes to my body image. I am amongst many women who are a healthy weight but have an unhealthy body image.  When I have tried to verbalize my feelings before they have been quickly overlooked, but the effects these thoughts have are not minimal. I write this not looking for sympathy, but to create an awareness and seek prayer. I have asked God to free me of this lie I'm believing, will you do the same?

Diaper time!

I am SO excited about what came to my door tonight. As I waited (ALL DAY) for the UPS truck to arrive I felt as if I was waiting for Santa to arrive. I got my box of goodies and wanted to jump up and down. What was in my boxes?! Diapers, LOTS and LOTS of gdiapers.

Gdiapers area the cloth diapers our family chose to use for our little one. Cloth diapers are something I've found those around me to know very little about. And I can't say I blame them. Up until a year ago I had never heard of such a thing. Family, friends, let me explain to you just what I will be doing to diaper baby Ezra. This is the cute little diaper Ezra will start with.

Photo taken from Gdiaper's website
Welcome to the 21st century of cloth diapering, were you expecting a piece of cloth and pins?

The best part about these little Gpants? We got a crazy good deal on these diapers. I was able to buy the bundle when it was 30% off which was a total of $105 before tax. This included 12 newborn Gpants, 6 small Gpants, and 80 disposable inserts (which I plan on using only when out of the house for a long time). So when I did the math I was pleased to find out that each diaper cost us roughly $6. Gdiapers usually range in price from $10-20, so the saving are HUGE. The average cost of diapering a child is $1,000 a year; Our estimated cost of diapering Ezra for the first year will be about $150, and most of it was a gift from a relative, THANK YOU! We took advantage of this sale and got some mediums too, so it'll be a while before we have to worry about diapers. That sort of savings makes this young mama smile because we can focus more on baby and worry less about money! I plan on blogging my whole experience with Gdiapers, and encourage y'all to ask questions. Thanks for your love and support!