The Person That Judges Me Most

Though I've had to deal with several physical struggles due to my pregnancy, they have been but miniscule compared to the emotion struggles I have encountered while carrying our child. This blog post is belated, mostly because it's a hard truth for me to face and share and I haven't found the words to properly describe what I've felt. I've shared my struggle about feeling judged because of my age and being pregnant before, but what I didn't mention is that the person who judges me most is myself. 

Before I got pregnant I knew that I would have emotional problems with the weight gain that came with pregnancy. I've always had a really unhealthy fear of gaining weight. I had prayed up to my pregnancy that this was not something that I would struggle with in my pregnancy. At first, I didn't struggle. It wasn't until about 6 months that I started really looking like I was pregnant anyways and the excitement of being pregnant was enough to make me forget about the weight that I had been gaining. But the third trimester was different. 

The third trimester is when everything really started changing for me. For the first time I couldn't fit into normal jeans and I had to purchase my first pair of maternity pants. When I went to the dressing room and tried on pants a size bigger than I usually wear, expecting them to be too big, and realized they were instead way too small, I freaked out. Knowing that I had to buy something, I sent my husband to find a bigger size. He came back with the next size up they had, a size four times what I'm used to wearing. He convinced me to go ahead and try them on after I had thrown a mini fit. What happened next will probably upset me until the day I no longer struggle with this; they fit. I could have cried. I pretended it didn't really upset me that much and bought them anyways, but inside I felt like I had failed. My whole life I have set a standard for myself, and that day I failed.

I get a lot of compliments on the way that I look while pregnant, but they seem to go in one ear and out the other. If they only saw what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I do not see myself, I do not see my body.  I see someone I don't want to look like. And surely, if I don't like the way that I look, then my husband must not like the way that I look, right? These thoughts plagued me all day long as I sat at home being very careful about what I ate. The thoughts I presumed my husband had about me greatly influenced the way I acted towards him. I was very cautious around him, and one of the greatest biblical aspects of marriage was missing from our marriage; I no longer felt naked and unashamed. 

This weight is temporary, I know. And I'm aware everything I have said seems far too over dramatic. But I challenge you to look past that and to try to really understand my struggles. I am not alone when it comes to my body image. I am amongst many women who are a healthy weight but have an unhealthy body image.  When I have tried to verbalize my feelings before they have been quickly overlooked, but the effects these thoughts have are not minimal. I write this not looking for sympathy, but to create an awareness and seek prayer. I have asked God to free me of this lie I'm believing, will you do the same?


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