Labor

Today I am tired, exhausted, drained
And longing to feel unconstrained
There's a consuming hunger inside me
And I'm begging God for the discomfort to flee

He responds by sending gentle motion
And filling me with overwhelming emotion
The work is hard but the reward is so sweet
He reminds me with a vision of two little feet

For this is just the start of what I'm called to be
Yet the provision promised ahead is hard to see
But He sees me labor and be heavy laden
And He grants me sweet rest, rest found only in Him

  Check out other entries for day five of 7 in 7

The Person That Judges Me Most

Though I've had to deal with several physical struggles due to my pregnancy, they have been but miniscule compared to the emotion struggles I have encountered while carrying our child. This blog post is belated, mostly because it's a hard truth for me to face and share and I haven't found the words to properly describe what I've felt. I've shared my struggle about feeling judged because of my age and being pregnant before, but what I didn't mention is that the person who judges me most is myself. 

Before I got pregnant I knew that I would have emotional problems with the weight gain that came with pregnancy. I've always had a really unhealthy fear of gaining weight. I had prayed up to my pregnancy that this was not something that I would struggle with in my pregnancy. At first, I didn't struggle. It wasn't until about 6 months that I started really looking like I was pregnant anyways and the excitement of being pregnant was enough to make me forget about the weight that I had been gaining. But the third trimester was different. 

The third trimester is when everything really started changing for me. For the first time I couldn't fit into normal jeans and I had to purchase my first pair of maternity pants. When I went to the dressing room and tried on pants a size bigger than I usually wear, expecting them to be too big, and realized they were instead way too small, I freaked out. Knowing that I had to buy something, I sent my husband to find a bigger size. He came back with the next size up they had, a size four times what I'm used to wearing. He convinced me to go ahead and try them on after I had thrown a mini fit. What happened next will probably upset me until the day I no longer struggle with this; they fit. I could have cried. I pretended it didn't really upset me that much and bought them anyways, but inside I felt like I had failed. My whole life I have set a standard for myself, and that day I failed.

I get a lot of compliments on the way that I look while pregnant, but they seem to go in one ear and out the other. If they only saw what I saw when I looked in the mirror. I do not see myself, I do not see my body.  I see someone I don't want to look like. And surely, if I don't like the way that I look, then my husband must not like the way that I look, right? These thoughts plagued me all day long as I sat at home being very careful about what I ate. The thoughts I presumed my husband had about me greatly influenced the way I acted towards him. I was very cautious around him, and one of the greatest biblical aspects of marriage was missing from our marriage; I no longer felt naked and unashamed. 

This weight is temporary, I know. And I'm aware everything I have said seems far too over dramatic. But I challenge you to look past that and to try to really understand my struggles. I am not alone when it comes to my body image. I am amongst many women who are a healthy weight but have an unhealthy body image.  When I have tried to verbalize my feelings before they have been quickly overlooked, but the effects these thoughts have are not minimal. I write this not looking for sympathy, but to create an awareness and seek prayer. I have asked God to free me of this lie I'm believing, will you do the same?

Check out other entries for day four of 7 in 7

A Few Words on My Heavy Heart

Today marks 40 years since the Roe v Wade decision. Today marks the loss of 55 million babies. Although there is much I could say on this topic, my heart is saddened, and my words will be few. A mother's womb should be the safest place we as humans experience, today it is a place where your fate is uncertain. Lord, I pray for big things to be done. I pray you restore the safety of a mother's womb. I pray you change hearts. I pray you heal those broken by the aftermath of abortion.

Judged and Inconvenienced

Although becoming parents at any age is a challenge, I think it is fair to say that it is even more difficult at a young age. I would first off like to make it known that Ryan and I becoming parents was no accident. This baby has been prayed for since before it's existence. God placed a desire in our lives to become parents, and called us to put our faith in Him and to trust that He would keep his promise of provision. Though it was a tough desire to neglect, it was also a very tough truth to have faith in. But as I thought through the reasons why I feared having a child so young I realized my biggest fear was completely unbiblical. I feared the judgement of others. It is the hardest struggle I have had to deal with in regards to my pregnancy. I become angered by the judgmental stares I receive at the supermarket, or the comments I overhear about how wrong it is to have a child at this age. For the first time in my life I am constantly judged as a result of my faith, and I have failed miserably at reacting the way I am called to.

Another idol in our lives which we have had to part with as a result of our pregnancy is that of comfort. Every dollar we make must be stretched even further, and we have had to set our pride aside and learn to accept help from our community. Our church community has come alongside us faithfully and provided for our needs, both tangibly and spiritually, but that is another blog post of it's own. Our child has yet to arrive and I have already realized that for us to be able to raise this child we will have to sacrifice convenience. Of course I understand that choosing to cloth diaper is the difficult option, but it is one way in which we can save money and put less of a financial burden on our family. Everyday I wish I had the convenience of preparing for a child the way most older, financially stable moms get to, but I do not have that convenience and so I will make the most of what I have. I will use my resourcefulness to care for my family, because I believe that that is what God gifted me with in order to provide for our family. I will cloth diaper, breastfeed, make my own baby food, do my own car maintenance and whatever else I can do to save money, no matter how incredibly inconvenient it may be. God did not promise me being a mother would be convenient, He promised me my needs would be met.

When my husband comes home from a full day of work and school I wish things could be easier for him. When he falls asleep due to exhaustion before 9 I wish that he did not have to carry the burden of providing for a family, but that is not what God had planned for us. And so I will bite my tongue at judgmental comments, and I will learn to love being a frugal stay at home mom. We will cling to the truth that being parents is a blessing, and we will endure the struggles. And with every little kick, and every time our sweet baby wiggles around in my belly we will be reminded of how incredibly blessed we are to be awaiting the arrival of a baby.